On Becoming / by Chatti Brown

Malaysia Sept 2011-1096.jpg

How do I begin this? The saying hello part has always been the hardest for me. I'm well versed with saying goodbye. That's quite predictable-we all have to go home eventually. But the hello part tends to set the stage on how others see me and although I'm in my 30s and beyond high school drama, I still want to be liked. 

The past few years has been a whirlwind. Lots of moving around, deaths, grief, pain, but a whole lot of joy too. Now that the dust have settled, things feel calm yet exciting. I get to actually breathe. It's been a few years of letting go, of becoming comfortable in my skin, of kicking and screaming and finally radical acceptance. I feel like the story should be told from the time I moved to Cambodia seven years ago because that set the motion for my shift in thought. I could have move away from the pain and loneliness but by stepping into it I learned so much about love, about myself, about true living. With those lessons one beautiful thing happened after another.

The most beautiful thing happened last year-I became a mom. With the sleepless nights came the endless giggles and unmeasurable delight. This kid is a hoot, readers. Things are different now. I feel old and I sense time passing, the second hand ticking away-vibrating through my bones. I don't plan to spend what's left of my youth on the internet, but it does feel good to connect and share with my community. You are part of my tribe.

This isn't a professional site- perhaps one day I'll re-dedicate myself to a professional portfolio. Until then, this is me, this is messy, and most importantly, this is experimental which means I can't really go wrong. I can draw outside of the lines and no one can stop me. So welcome. Feel free to browse around and say hi from time to time. I’ll be right here reading a good book if you need me.